Flood

I lost my dad 20 days ago, and just now the feelings are beginning to come. I have been so busy and so frustrated trying to get things done, to make arrangements, to take care of business, that I have not had time to feel or to cry. I sit here looking at my living and dining rooms, cluttered with mountains of paperwork and mementos of memories from his past. It is my job to sort through it, take care of it, and get things done. That’s what I do…get things done. However, I must say, this is so hard…tougher than I imagined it would be. Slowly but surely, one paper at a time, one phone call at a time, one breath at a time, I am dwindling it down. However, as the pile sits there, I now stand unmotivated, confused, angry and sad all at the same time. I know God is with me, that his hand rests upon me, and his love encompasses me all around!! Even though I know this, I am struggling with prayer and meditation time. I am struggling with writing, with sharing my thoughts, giving my heart, saying how I feel. I know this too will pass, and as the emotions and reality flood into my routine, disrupting the rhythm and flow of what needs to get done…I rest on the fact that this is God’s way of saying rest and let the flood come.

God bless, and to all of you out there who have lost a loved one, my thoughts and deepest condolences to you for it is not easy, not easy at all. All my love and may we all continually rest in the knowledge that God is above all, in all, and keeping all in his hands.

 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

flood

Flood

My dad is gone
No longer a part of this world
Yet the memories linger on
Images, past and present invade my mind
The good, the bad, the happy and the sad
Flooding every moment of every day

From illness to death, he is no more
Confused and so out of sorts I am
Everything is overwhelmingly chaotic
Though I maintain, smile, and push through
Doing what needs to be done
I am not ready for the feelings to flood my life today

Ah, but the days press on
The feelings beckon at the door of my heart
I push them back, keep on moving
Letting the tide of emotions stay at bay
They continually threaten to rise
Not yet, I have no time
Yet still they pursue

Going through the motions
One day at a time
Work, family, chores
There is no time to feel
I am busy, there is planning and filing to do
Piles of papers and memories to sort

Sadness, Confusion
Heartbreak
Slowly soaking in
Filling my heart
Anger, resentment
Frustration
So much to do, where do I start

The feelings rise
Washing over me like a crashing wave
Pulling me deeper into the emotional undertow
Drowning, disconnected
All I can do is cry
Not for my dad, as I know he is in a better place

I cry for all that was lost
Tears of a broken and painful past
Cries of joy for a blessed restoration
Anguish of a present life that was so conflicted
Pain for what could have been
For all the suffering and hurt

In this moment my heart is distant
Prayer is difficult
Reading scripture is challenging
My thoughts overwhelm me
But music; music is my lifeline
Hope of God’s word put to song

Melodies that bring me hope
Songs that bring healing thoughts
Rhythm and rhyme to bring me peace
Inspiring lyrics keep me grounded
Knowing God is with me
And this flood will subside

6 thoughts on “Flood

  1. Come sit with me sometime. I’ll make tea and scones and we talk and talk and talk. Love you and love your willingness to remain closely moored to Our Lord even though the flood waters want to take you away.

    • Even in the harshest of times God has always seen me through. Even when I am angry with Him, or am having difficulty understanding His ways, He is ever faithful to stay by my side and love me. Shall indeed take you up on your offer when things slow down my dear….might be easier to have you over to my house 🙂 Love and hugs!

  2. So sorry for your loss. You are definitely covered by my prayers. You are anchored by the strength of Christ and the love of the people of God.

    • Amen…that I am. God is constantly showing his love for me and providing me with joy through the encouraging words of others. God bless and keep you my friend.

Feel free to leave a comment, suggestion or prayer request. God bless!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s